Back to sleep

Months ago I said to myself I didn’t want to co-sleep with this baby. I did it for over 2 years with Maverick and just didn’t want to do it again. 


But somehow I’ve ended up here again. 

And honestly, I don’t hate it. 

Having spent so long in hospital and away from Harland in those first few weeks, I feel this little guy needs a bit more loving and cuddles. He’s a great sleeper. Yes, he has his moments and there has been many nights that we’ve ended up on the couch watching shitty 2am movies, but he’s a gazillion times better sleeper than Maverick ever was. 

I tried to put him back to his bed in those first few weeks at home. I needed to rest and recover but soon figured out it was easier staying in bed than getting up hourly. Feeding him was easy and he (generally) went back to sleep after a feed. 

Plus it’s winter and freezing so staying in bed seemed like a better idea. 

So we are back to co-sleeping or bed sharing or sleeping as I like to call it. This is the first time I’m not sleep deprived. I’ve recovered quickly from the surgeries, and I think cuddling this little guy all night has helped with that. 

He seems happy with the deal. And I get to snuggle and smell and kiss him as much as I want. There can’t be anything bad about that. 

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And there he goes…

The last 3 weeks when I’ve dropped Marshal at pre-school, it’s been hard. Hard for me to leave him and for him to let me go.

He clung, he cried, I cried. Maverick painted and wanted to stay. But I just had to say good bye and leave. He is in good hands. I’ve got to trust that. I cried in the car every time. Felt horrible. I was abandoning my little guy.

But the smile he gives me when I picked him up at the end of the day…well that’s just the best. THE BEST!!!

So the mornings have been hard. I’ve been so worried about him, will he be ok? Will the other kids be nice to him? Will he be nice to them? What if I haven’t packed him enough food? I hope he doesn’t wet his pants!

Until yesterday. I gave him the pep talk in the car. ‘Ok monkey, let’s go in, get you settled and then I will leave before your morning meeting.’

We got there. He started playing with the animals they had out. ‘Ok I’m going now, I love you’. I was ready for the wail. All I got was ‘ok bye’. My heart broke.

All this time I’ve been worried and now he’s fine and it feels like he doesn’t need me. I’m not his security guy anymore. He let go all by himself. He grew up years in those 2 words.

I knew it would happen. I knew he would get used to going to school. I just didn’t think it would ACTUALLY happen now.

I can’t wait to pick him up in a few hours and hear about his day.

Life is too short…

I’m sitting in the nail salon getting my much neglected toes a make over. Pretty in pink today.
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A lady just walked in and sits next to me. She said ‘no colour.’ Not even a light pink? Beige?

Isn’t life just too short to have no colour on your toes? I hate naked toes. Makes me sad when they aren’t painted.

The biggest decision I had to make today was which pink. First world problems right?

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2…oh my – a birthday letter to my baby

Dearest Maverick

Little Mav.

Baby.
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We welcomed you to our family 2 years ago. And like your brother, you didn’t want to come ‘the right way’. So after a long labour you arrived in the operating theatre, blue and floppy. You weren’t breathing…for a whole minute (we have it on film). My stubbornness could have meant we lost you.

Daddy was worried, I was passing out. But the amazing team got you going and you started using your lungs…and haven’t stopped.

I want to tell you things I have learnt in the last 2 years that I love about you:

I love the way you always want to be held. You just need to be cuddled. Every night. About 10pm…until 5.30am. You just need to be close.

I love the way you eat all your food. Never scared to try new things. You copy the word then shove it in your mouth. Barely spitting it out.

I love the way you know all the words to KISS. You want that damn dvd on daily, sing along, guitar in hand. My little rock star!

I love the way you paint. It ends up everywhere, walls, chair, your belly, your mouth. But the way you do it with gusto, I can’t stop that.

I love that you have no fear. You are always willing to jump head first off the couch, climb up anywhere, run in zigzag commando lines, and find ways to get higher using chairs and footstools, turning on lights or opening the front door…It doesn’t give me mild heart attacks at all.

I love your smile, giggle and cheeky grin. You are probably up to something naughty 95% of the time, but you do it with a smile.

I love that you love to annoy your brother. You do it well. He does love you. Just stop throwing his things behind the couch or under the bed…

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You are a determined clever little guy. We had our struggles in the first year, and I’m sorry I wasn’t totally present then, mentally and emotionally. But we finally bonded, got some sleep and have enjoyed the last 12 months.

I still can’t believe you turn 2 tomorrow. I’m one proud mummy.

I love you lil man.

Happy birthday.

Xxx
Mum.

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Thanks for my little brother…

“He’s a butt face.”

Such nice words to hear from your older brother. The first bit, not the second.

Not really sure where he learnt to call someone that, he’s only had 1 day of preschool and I’m positive most kids there that day barely looked at each other.

It makes me laugh to hear what comes out of Marshals mouth. The words poo, bum and penis are mentioned often. Normally followed with a giggle…and then the parrot copies.

Ah lil Maverick. The family parrot. Copies everything. EVERYTHING. More than Marshal ever did. His favourite phrase right now is “ah fuck it”. He must hear it often…oh I’m not getting mother of the year.

But not only words. Movement too. If Marshal does something then Maverick has to do it…but better. The jumping, rolling, breakdancing…all of it.

I was looking back at some videos of the boys a few weeks ago. The admiration on Mavericks face towards Marshal was enough to make me tear up. That was why I was glad to have a sibling for Marshal.

With Marshal in preschool 2 days a week I wonder how Maverick will go. Guessing we will hear more “where Shadal?” Like peas in a pod. Glad they are friends. Maybe one day Marshal will chose to call him something nicer than buttface…

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Letting go.

This morning I survived. I survived the last grocery shop with 2 kids. I know, I know. I still after 4 years haven’t gotten online shopping sorted. One day…

Tomorrow Marshal starts preschool. Gulp!!

I keep changing how I feel about it. We made the choice for me to be a stay at home mum and not send our kids to daycare. It just wasn’t worth working for zero take home money after fees. Yes the adult interaction would be nice, but I get that with my mothers group. And there’s no bullshit about deadlines and office politics.

So tomorrow it all comes to an end. I’m feeling my control over my eldest is coming to an end. He’s growing up and it’s scary. But it’s not daycare. It’s preschool. 9am – 3pm. The beginning of his schooling where he will be for the next 15ish years. This does make it a bit easier to let go but it’s still crazy hard.

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I just know I’ll be the mum at the gate ‘now be nice to everyone, try to share, but have fun’. Yes it will be said through tears as my husband drags me away telling me he will be fine.

And he will be fine. He’s great at making friends and being by himself. If they gave him the chance to play with trains all day, he’d be quite happy.

I’ve promised myself not to hang around too long. Get him settled then go. I need to let go and he needs time to work it out for himself. I can’t hold his hand forever…no matter how much I want too.

Plus, this guy will keep me busy all day anyway. He’s going to miss Marshal like crazy too. It’s all he’s known. But the next 2 years he’s all mine then I’ll be back at that gate doing the same thing except saying things like ‘don’t climb too high, no jumping off tables and stop pulling leaves off trees but have fun’.

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Holidaze….

Welcome 2015!

We have decided to start the year with a holiday. My husband packed the car up Saturday morning and we drove to Batemans Bay.

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It is so peaceful here…especially when the boys are asleep. Otherwise it’s mayhem.

The house we are staying in is directly across from the beach. I mean, it’s right there, across the busy highway. Dodging traffic while carrying a toddler and trying not to burn your feet isn’t fun. It’s crazy!

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It’s hot, the waters warm, I’m exhausted. There must be something about the beach that makes you sleepy. I’m way more exhausted here doing nothing, than I am at home…doing nothing.

Today we saw dolphins in the bay. That was pretty cool. I did seem to be the only one excited by it.

Tomorrow I plan on doing much more of nothing. Maybe another swim. Maybe an afternoon nap. Maybe a lazy walk along the beach. I’m in holiday mode…now where’s my wine!

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