Then times that by about 68. That’s how I feel right now.
What a fucking nightmare the last week has been. A roller coaster for sure, but scarier than you’ve even been on.
It all went pear shaped on Saturday night. I’d been having small bleeds on and off since Tuesday but Saturday they decided to take me back upstairs for monitoring. Lucky they did.
Around 10.30 (I think-things are quite groggy still) I sat up and started bleeding like a horror film. Covered the bed, the floor and it just wasn’t stopping. My husband was called in and we were told one more bleed it would all be done and surgery would happen.
I didn’t bleed again but I started getting hot and sweaty and blacking out and vommitty. Signs things weren’t going well. The doctor made the right decision to call time for surgery.
Of course I lost my mind. Baby is too small, I was totally not ready, but it had to be done.
They worked amazingly fast to get me prepped. Once I was wheeled to theatre they had to get more cannulas in. Bigger ones. One thing I’ve learnt being in hospital is my veins don’t work. I was already up to 4 cannulas with 8 attempts in 5 days. After me screaming in pain the head lady kicked everyone out of the way and got a needle in. Said the rest can be done later. I’ve since counted 25 holes in my arms. Not including my central line in my neck.
the damage done to my arm during surgey. getting blacker by the day.
Waking up with a tube and oxygen is scary. My neck is still sore from it. I spent the first day in icu. It’s all a blur but I remember having the physio telling me to breathe deep and cough. Don’t know what that was about. I couldn’t see straight let alone cough! But that’s about it. My mum and husband were there and rightfully worried.
I lost 5 litres of blood during the operation. That’s really all you have! So my blood belongs to others and for that I am eternally grateful. As the doctor said ‘you’re lucky to be alive.’ Pretty terrifying to hear that.
When they got to my cervix to remove it, I was dilating and at 3cm. So the need for surgery was right. They couldn’t wait. It could have gone even more wrong!! I thank the doctors on that night for making the choice and being on the ball.
They performed a hysterectomy, which we knew would happen, and I’m ok for now about it, but once they started removing my uterus my bladder was damaged along with my ureters. They have been repaired for now but who knows the on going issues I’ll face.
Baby wasn’t breathing due to me being under general anathestic. But they got him going after 12 minutes apparently. But his oxygen levels were always good so there shouldn’t be issues.
He’s doing great. I think he’s so tiny but my other boys have weighed over 4kg and this little guy is only 2.68kg. So a good deal less. But real baby size. I’m happy I make big baby’s. He came at 34.2 weeks so he’s got a bit of growing to do. He’s sleeping and eating and popping and I don’t have to do any of it. I’ve only had 3 cuddles so far as we are still trying to work out pain management. I am not tolerating the medications so it’s all a balancing act right now.
Getting up and moving has been a huge struggle. I’m currently in a chair but feel like I could just fall on my face any moment. It’s a horrible feeling to be so out of control. But to get me better, to start breastfeeding and to get us home I’ve got to move.
This won’t defeat me, I’m stubborn and this is just the next chapter in this insanely weird time of my life.
justicemum 