Yesterday we met with our surgeon. He was 2 hours late for our appointment. Lucky we were 15 minutes late, made the wait less. But I forgive him, he was called to an emergency. And they didn’t fob us off to another guy.
He explained what is going to happen in 10 weeks. (I know, not long at all!) I started crying. It’s hard not to when he’s telling you where he’s going to cut you open, and that you don’t get to meet the little human you’ve been growing for 8 months, for hours.
That’s really eating me up inside. Not having first cuddles again. Third time, last time, I don’t get those cuddles. It’s not about the bonding bullshit, I just want to be first for once.
I really wanted to be awake for the birth, but due to placenta placement and incision destination, I won’t be. Truly sucks.
The day is going to be full on. Starting in radiology at 8am, finishing up surgery at around 4pm. I haven’t said much about what’s going to happen as it’s been hard to come to terms with. It’s scaring the shit out of me, scaring my husband.
But the short of it is this. Once baby is out with a vertical incision, that will start well and truly above my belly button, they throw everything back inside and sew me up. I then go and have little tubes connected to my placenta which they use to fill the blood vessels with little beads to stop any blood flow. Then I go back to surgery to have the big H. Obviously it’s more complicated than that, but you get the gist of it.
Being 35 and heading for a hysterectomy is scary. Each day I tell myself I’m ok with it. I’m done having kids, this was the last anyway, but can’t help feeling like I won’t feel complete afterwards. Like something will be missing. Empty.
So unless something drastic happens in the next 10 weeks, that’s the plan. If something does go belly up, then we do the “smash and grab” which means going in fast, and hoping I don’t bleed out!
I like the long option better….
It will probably be the best sleep I’ll have in a long time.