Jealousy is a curse

disclaimer: in no way is this meant to make anyone feel horrible, or guilty. Especially my friends who read this and have pushed out a baby. This is purely how I feel and I had to think a heap about posting it. I’ve been wanting to cry all afternoon with these thoughts. So here goes.

Today a friend had a baby. Well, very early this morning. Her 3rd. And I can not be happier for her and her family. Her 2 boys are my 2 boys age and they all get along so well, I can’t wait to meet the new addition and give cuddles. A baby always bring joy to a family. I wish them many nights of sleep…if they get it!

But it got me thinking at 2.30 this afternoon. She was probably home already, no medical issues, already settling in. 

Then I felt sad. For me. I’ve never had that. My births have been shit. Both of them and number 3 is gearing up to be a cracker. Going out with a bang. (Will explain surgery details next year when it’s all confirmed.)

After Marshal’s birth went horribly wrong, I blamed my body and my mind for letting me down. After the failed VBAC for Maverick’s birth, I again blamed myself for failing, not trying hard enough. Not being woman enough to push out a baby. Cursing my body. And now with this one, I am yet again feeling like I’ve let myself down. Let my baby down. 

I’m never going to experience birthing a baby. It’s a fact. Not going to be able to give it another go to get it right. I’d hope for third time lucky. Maybe I’m just not made to birth babies how they should be birthed. I was told that 50 years ago, I would not have survived childbirth. Not something a high risk complicated pregnant mother wants to hear. Truth hurts….

So today I felt jealous of my friend. Jealous that she pushed out her third, jealous that she walked out of the hospital hours afterward, jealous that she gets to sleep in her own bed, in her own home and not have to stay in hospital for days and weeks. 

Women keep telling me that birth is overrated. That it sucks. Why would I ever want to do it? C sections are easy, you don’t need to do anything. 

But why can’t I find that out for myself? Please stop telling c section mums that it’s overrated. It actually hurts deep down inside that I will never get to find it out. That my womanly rights are medically taken away. 

And c sections are not easy. Yes please, cut me open and hope I don’t bleed to death….sounds so delightful!

Last week at my scan and check up, I asked how long the recovery would be. The doctor joked and said “well, you won’t be going home on day 3.” I’ve NEVER gone home on day 3. I didn’t get the joke. I actually almost burst into tears. 

Let’s hope they can get me home in under 20 days. I’d be happy with that…

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3 thoughts on “Jealousy is a curse

  1. I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m not going to judge, dismiss your concerns or offer empty platitudes because we humans are complicated creatures, and you have every right to feel the way you do. Just know that I am reading and sending big internet hugs. Take care x

  2. Dear justice mum, you were unable to give birth without help it doesn’t mean you didn’t give birth. You still grew, nourished and gave life to a beautiful baby, twice so far. You are just going to be doing it differently, not wrong or easier. You will go through pain and physical exertion. It will be after your child has been born and not before. You are a woman in every sense of the word. You are a truly amazing mum keep up the great work.

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