What they don’t tell you about toddlers.

Want a baby? Great…now fast forward 2 or so years…want a toddler? Ahhh no.

People have been writing about “what they don’t tell you about having a baby” for years. Yes, it’s all the fun stuff, poo explosions, vomit, nil sleep. But has anyone written about the toddler and what they don’t tell you? I couldn’t find anything so decided to put together a list.


  1. Food changes the poo. Yes, what your kid eats effects the poo they will do the next day (or the day after). Take for example, send your child to a birthday party, they eat the awesomely homemade cake that’s full of black or blue food dye…then wait. The next day or if you’re lucky, the day after, the poo will be a strange colour. Light fluoro green, cream coloured or even khaki. It will make you gag. And you thought baby poo was the worst…
  2. Think a turtle is slow? Try doing anything at toddler speed. My advice? If you need to be somewhere at 10am get ready last Wednesday. My mum gives the advice to parents with school aged kids who find it hard to get to school on time “let them sleep in their school clothes.” Such good advice.
  3. THEY DO NOT LISTEN. They attention span of a toddler is 2.46 seconds. If it cannot be said in 1-2 words, don’t bother. (This is the reason “no” is used so much. But they still don’t listen to that.)
  4. Sarcasm is lost on toddlers. If you sarcastically say “take all the biscuits!” they will, take all the biscuits and most defiantly inhale them within seconds.
  5. Want nice stuff? Forget it. It WILL get broken, sticky and lost.
  6. They are the messiest/energetic little things on the planet. It’s like a hurricane coming through the house/restaurant/park. Seriously, from the second they wake up to the second they crash at the end of the day, its non-stop.

This is no where near the kitchen. Rice bubbles all over the floor.


The hurricane’s came through here!

7. The toddler will cry over the smallest things. The biscuit isn’t shaped like a dog. The baby licked my train. The food is too hot and you won’t let me burn myself. I can’t believe you are making me put shoes/jumper/hat on to go outside. The wind changed in France (Thanks Bel) Seriously, over ANYTHING

8.You will butt heads with them. Constantly. They want to do things their way, and if you try to help them then the tantrum will start. See point 7…

9. The toddler’s diet consists of chicken nuggets, fish fingers and bread. Anything outside of this is not going to be eaten. Even this will only be eaten in small amounts. They can also detect a hidden vegetable from a mile away.

10. If they don’t have a day sleep, they turn into this horrible, feral, crazed monster where once you hit that spot, there’s no going back. And think they will sleep later? Guess again. Over tired toddlers are insane. You will be hiding in a corner hoping that they just pass out somewhere in the house and praying the transfer from floor to bed won’t wake them up.

What would you add to this list?


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